Briefly share your experience with intimate partner violence
I was in my early twenties when I met her. I had been queer my whole life so being with a woman was not new, but being with someone I was in love with was. I grew up in a problematic household. A lot of abuse and unrest and so when I met her, I thought it was amazing and stable.
She was seven years older than me and a professor at the University I attended. Although she never taught me, in retrospect as an employee of the University she should have been held to account.
I was the Womyn’s Centre Coordinator and the 2SLGBTQ Coordinator at my university. I hosted a weekly spoken word radio program from the bi, lesbian, queer women’s perspective. I was definitely well known and well connected to the women’s community. It was because of this that I was too embarrassed, scared, to even disclose to anyone what was happening for me.
Over time, my relationship became very insular. I could only socialize with people that she agreed to. Our first major fight was when I was leaving for Christmas to see my mother in another province, and she did not want me to go. Our relationship became power battles. She controlled finances and friendships. I remember crying writing a letter to one of my friends back home, “Please don’t write to me or call me anymore. It’s just not good for me when you do.”
I stayed for 7 years because I did not know how I could leave. I had nowhere to go, no more friends to turn to. My women’s study prof. advised I apply to graduate school. This was her plan to get me out of the situation. My best friend and two profs set it all up. They introduced me to my graduate supervisor at a conference. I received a full ride, Graduate Scholarship, Research Assistant. I left in Fall of 1999. My supervisor got me a consulting gig to help me pay for the rest of school.
For every year I stayed it took me a year to recover. 14 years of my life. People find it difficult to believe that a woman could be the abuser of another woman. She was savvy, cunning, smart, presentable, wealthy.
My involvement in Mhaven is to change the narrative while helping to educate. Hope you will join me.
